What Is The Primary Purpose Of Marriage – No, really, that’s a serious question. What is the point? If you don’t have a goal, a goal, or a specific outcome in mind, or if you don’t know what your and your partner’s needs are and how best to meet them, how can you know if you’re successful or not? in your partnership?

If you have the wrong goals or are “pointing” at your marriage, you may feel frustrated, lonely, or even confused or angry. Speaking of anger (this will all come together, so stay with me here), I saw a quote on social media recently that really pissed me off:

What Is The Primary Purpose Of Marriage

What Is The Primary Purpose Of Marriage

“You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.” Someone who doesn’t complicate your life. Someone who won’t hurt you.”

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This quote pissed me off because this is the kind of hogwash put together by a social media manager who is desperate for some confirmation of “likes”. It can destroy relationships because it offers an ineffective phrase that people will take as serious advice.

So, here’s another honest question: since when does the pinnacle of relationship success exist in a constant, unchanging state of happiness, simplicity, and total security? When did the “and they lived happily ever after” fantasy stop being a children’s storybook ending and turn into literal #lifegoals?

I don’t recall “providing my partner with an endless supply of happiness” was in the details for me or my wife when we signed this marriage thing. In his book The All or Nothing Marriage, social psychologist Eli Finkel argues how couples expect more and more from each other in today’s world. We rely on each other for many aspects of socialization and support that many people before the 20th century found outside of their marriages.

Don’t get me wrong, I think happiness is great. It is necessary in all aspects of life and especially in a relationship. But they’re also fluid emotions that come and go based on how your stomach reacts to the burrito you had for lunch today, your co-worker’s irritable habits, what’s going on in the White House this week, whether your baseball team is winning or losing , or who lives. or die on Game of Thrones.

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Happiness is not a firm and stable foundation on which to build lasting, committed love. It’s just too unstable, fleeting, and ever-changing, and the ways we achieve happiness change as we change over time.

Frankly, permanent and unchanging happiness is probably the most ineffective goal you can set for your relationship because it’s impossible to achieve. The reality of happiness, like any other emotion, is that it comes and goes, like in-laws during the holidays, 80s fashion, or stomach cramps.

The key to becoming a truly successful couple is to take action and expand your comfort zone. Marriage is what Dr. David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage, calls “the engine of human growth.” And Finkel also claims that “a new kind of marriage has emerged in our world, one that can foster self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth like never before.” I love the idea of ​​having a growth oriented marriage. This is something I can achieve and it is satisfying to grow and improve. It’s a tangible goal.

What Is The Primary Purpose Of Marriage

Regarding goals: in the last few years I have started doing something I never thought I would do. I lift weights.

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I used to be a slim guy. I once dropped a girl while country dancing and was so embarrassed by my weak muscles that I never went back. Then I went to the gym. I remember when I first started lifting, I squatted 225 pounds and my coach said, “Dude, Nate! That’s amazing!”

Years later, after hitting the gym every week, I now squat around 345 pounds. A big improvement, right? And every time I add another kilo, I feel like a champion because the growth is satisfying and the progress is amazing.

I now apply the principles I used in the gym to my marriage. For example, I had anxiety when my wife was sad or stressed. And I used to snap at her when I felt attacked or threatened. I have been working on improving myself in this area for over a year. I practice self-soothing, take deep breaths and think before I speak, and give my wife the benefit of the doubt and try to understand her perspective when I feel hurt.

I’m definitely not perfect (little secret: no one is!), but I’m getting better at handling conflict between us and using it as an opportunity for understanding and growth. I’m less stressed when she’s around. I blink at her less. My wife even gives me a sympathetic smile when she sees me take a deep breath or use the plans we put in place to help us fight better and love smarter.

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She commented that I am improving and therefore we are improving as a couple. But like exercise, it’s not easy, and especially not at first. It expands your comfort zone. It pushes you to your limits. It expands your capabilities as a human being. And this painful stretching, expanding, and growing means that sometimes your partner and your marriage will not make you happy.

Honestly, marriage is a challenge. And it’s good because marriage exposes your limitations and exposes your weaknesses, flaws and vulnerabilities. In your marriage, you are painfully aware of how impatient you can be, how you struggle to say “no” to things that aren’t important and “yes” to things that are important, and how challenging it is to work through your differences when you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, or just hungry

Marriage calls upon you to deal with illness, tragedy, financial stress, changes in faith or belief, job loss, weight gain, child rearing, loss of parents and other family members, all while supporting and satisfying other emotional needs. a human being. !

What Is The Primary Purpose Of Marriage

You can’t deal with it and come out the other side still in love by remaining the same people you were when you started. You cannot go through it all together and still remain in eternal bliss. You must constantly grow and evolve into a version of yourself that is able to face and overcome the unique challenges that life throws at you at every moment.

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This dynamic won’t feel like perfection, but that’s actually what you want. Dr. In fact, John makes a strong case for a good enough marriage when he states that couples today “expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal. That doesn’t mean they expect their relationship to be conflict-free. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict is healthy because it leads to greater understanding.”

Throughout your marriage, you will be confronted with uncomfortable truths. It can be about sex, money, time together, parenting, or all of them. Things won’t always work out the way you plan, and plans may have to change if you want to have the relationship you want.

When someone challenges you to expand and grow, things can get worse before they get better. It can even jeopardize the relationship if you or your partner refuse to confront your own mistakes or if you don’t take responsibility when things go wrong. If the Four Horsemen throw themselves into the dynamic, you may be doomed if you don’t find ways to combat them.

But that’s what love is really about. It’s not always about always pleasing your partner or always being satisfied yourself. Instead, it’s about supporting your partner.

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Pleasing your partner means making sure they are happy, comfortable and carefree, and sometimes you have to do that. But if that’s your primary goal, it can cause you to be overly nice and accommodating even when your partner is unkind or hurtful. And we all make these mistakes, but pleasing your partner also means protecting them from anything that might make them feel challenged or uncomfortable.

Supporting your partner means that you have their best interests at heart, and that you intentionally act to promote and achieve those interests. It means standing by their side, helping them, standing up for them, and sometimes it means getting into conflict about difficult truths and regrettable incidents. True partners commit to the person they love and the bond they share, even though these displays of commitment may be temporarily painful because of the positive growth it causes.

Committing to this positive growth forces you to identify and open up about your weaknesses, insecurities, and fears, which is exactly what leads to periods of happiness, trust, connection, passion, and commitment.

What Is The Primary Purpose Of Marriage

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Islamic Horizons November/december 2018 By Islamic Society Of North America

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